Relationships are work. Have you heard this expression before? It’s absolutely true. But what is relationship work? Does it mean that sometimes you’re supposed to be unhappy in a relationship? Does it mean that you should avoid relationships that are too easy? It wasn’t until I was an adult that I bothered to understand what any of this means, exactly. Since then, there are some things I’ve learned about what relationship work is and what it isn’t.
The basic idea of relationship work is taking the time to be fully present with another human being. Relationships are like friendships with some extra sauciness, in that you’ve got someone who is there for you and who makes you feel special and desirable and awesome. It’s your job to communicate with your partner about what being there for you means, and what makes you feel special, desirable, and awesome.
You also have to do your part to find out what makes your beloved feel that way, too. Learn what makes that person happy, what they enjoy doing, how they like to be cared for, et cetera, and then act on those things. It’s not your job to make them happy, but you should put time into helping increase their happiness.
Relationship work is also about compromise. You might want to spend your weekend nights quietly watching movies on the couch, but your partner might want to rage at a party: The work here would be finding a solution that makes both of you happy. Either you separate for a night, or you take turns doing what each person wants to do.
Over time, those compromises can increase. You learn that you cannot create a perfect partner—you have to enjoy the qualities you love and learn to accept the ones you don’t (within reason—more on that in a second).
Be open to dating all kinds of people, but have a few ironclad deal-breakers in your head (misogyny, racism, and cheating are ones that instantly come to mind). While relationships are important to nurture, they are always back-outable. Be discerning.
Relationship work is about having an argument with your partner and not letting the entire relationship go up in flames as a result. Some fights are worth leaving a relationship over (like if there is any intimidation or physical violence), but most arguments are a great way to learn to get through a conflict with another human being and be OK afterwards.
Relationship work is not about putting up with being unhappy because you love a person. Part of love is handling some difficult patches, but they aren’t ALL supposed to be difficult patches. Love doesn’t happen in spite of a person’s behavior—it happens because of it.
Part of a relationship is continuing to see someone with new, adoring eyes even if you’ve been with them a long time. It’s treating someone like you’re on a first date, even if it’s your 50th date.
Don’t rush into “playing house” in a romantic relationship, acting as if you are 10 years into a long marriage, but don’t immediately dismiss a partner over a quirk like weird sneezing, either.
Always remember that you should be getting as much (or more) out of a relationship as you are putting into it. Learning how to work a relationship is important, but it’s even more important to know when to walk away from one that is more trouble than it’s worth.
Relationship work pays off as you learn to live comfortably beside the person you chose to be with.
15 Comments
This is a lot of really great, mature advice. I feel like we get a lot of pressure (from others/society/etc) just to be in a relationship, without as much input into what makes up a healthy one. I especially appreciated your point about sticking to the really important dealbreakers (racism/sexism/etc), because sometimes you don’t see those in a person right away and by that time it’s difficult to walk away. (I’ve found that some people are only openly bigoted to the people they’re close to– which is alarming when you first see how that person really is.)
And I love the couples in the comic! The drawings are so cute.
This was really perfect. Number 9 made me wanna cry a little because it is too adorable! Also, my boyfriend has a weird sneeze. It’s the best. :-)
This is really helpful…I’ve been focused for so long on how I don’t have a boyfriend so now that I do I don’t know what to do with him
I love this soooo much. Unlike other relationship articles that talk about changing yourself for a partner or compromising to unhealthy extents for a partner, this promotes what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. I really hope more education like this is spread around.
this is one of the best things i’ve seen on rookie! i love it. illustrations are perfect, ana, and the advice is wonderful, emily! you guys did a fantastic job.
I’m so happy about this article! I’ve been with my first boyfriend for 8 months and am in love for the first time. Unfortunately I have an anxiety disorder, and tend to invent things to freak out about, especially within my relationship. But this little advice comic reassured me that at the end of the day I’m in a loving healthy relationship. I appreciate my boyfriend even more now!
I love this.
I recently got out of a drawn-out, turbulent relationship and lately everything I listen to or read generally makes me feel sad-as-hell or has no effect at all but this article has made me see remember the positive! While I loved the person I did and thought they were my best friend, the relationship wasn’t healthy at all and I knew I should leave for a long time. Now I’m finally free of that negativity and open to cool relationships like this!! This just sort of reminded me that they exist and I just realised I can now (well sometime) have one of my own, cool huh!!
Thanks for the queer representation, I appreciate it. (:
Rookie, you’re the absolute best – no heteronormativity here! So jelly of teens now growing up with this stuff as it really will make a huge difference. x
I needed this so much! I really enjoyed reading every single one and they all made so much sense. My boyfriend and I are finally back in the same city after a year of long-distance, so things are adjusting and feeling a bit weird as we try to get used to the change, so I’ve started getting worried about our future and if we’re doing things right….and then this comic appeared! This reassured me so much and made me realize why I do love him and why we’ve been together so long! Thank you so much xx
(also kudos for the inclusion of other non-hetero couples in this! it really warmed my heart)
This is great advice! Will definitely keep this in mind when I do get a boyfriend.
I’m 26 and I’ve been in a relationship for 4 and a half years. I can tell you that EVERYTHING from this comic is true. :)
Basically, for me, a relationship is about friendship – and love, of course, but if you don’t like the person you’re with you’re gonna spend A LOT of time thinking it’s really hard to make this work. Thank you, Rookie for being here. I wish I had this help when I was teenager. Big hug for you!
Solid advice. Also, my friend recently sent me this article about the “FUCK YES” rule that I think is also very relevant, especially for people who find themselves in less than satisfactory relationships (or the romantic or the platonic variety) and it really gave me a nice lil existential crisis as I re-evaluated my whole life. In a good way though.
this is exactly why i love rookie.
you guys give the best advice. on everything.
and, also, i love the fact that there’s no heteronormativity in this comic! :)<3